So this post is actually the result of procrastination. I'm trying to write a paper about a development in Buddhist thought and my mind won't focus on the material. Kinda ironic that my lack of concentration is what's hindering me from writing on a doctrine that centers on mindfulness. I'm also too focused on myself and worldly attachments. According to the Buddha's teachings the root of all suffering is the illusion of desire and of self. my lack of focus, clarity, (right mind in a sense) actually does stem from this type of clouding.
i recently went through the experience of making the descision of having my cat put down. this would be the third cat i've lost in two years. each experience reinforced for a sense of absolute helplessness because in each case there wasn't anything i could have done to prevent their deaths. but being with mickey on friday, deciding that it would better for him to die then to go on suffering, i found myself faced with a reality about death that i'd never fully understood and even now still don't. i watched a cat i knew to have immense strength and will, lie helplessly in agony. and i knew i wanted to end his suffering but i didn't want to give up on him because i had so much faith in his character. when the vet injected him with the solution he cried out. i'll never forget the doubt that flooded me in that moment. what if we had made the wrong decision, what if he was trying to tell us he didn't want to die?
lately these thoughts have crippled me. i've barely been able to eat, the will to get up in the morning is sometimes impossible. for a while i didn't want to be at home because of the void left without mickey around was too much to handle. everyone keeps saying "at least you have your cat gabby", but even she's been too much of a reminder that mickey's gone and then the thought of losing her reminds me of how utterly alone we all really are. or maybe it's just that i fear being alone. i've been accused of that before, i know i get sad quite easily when i'm alone, that i'll fill my day with meaningless company just to avoid being alone.
i've struggled with this for a while. recently i've gotten much more comfortable with being alone. i think part of my discomfort with being alone is that i don't have very much confidence in myself. when other people are around i at least feel valued even if only superficially. when i'm alone i fear that it's because nobody wants to be around me. for the first time in a very long time i've come to value the time i have to myself and have realized that in a way i've always enjoyed quiet contemplation. the problem was that insecurities would always creep in and i'd be left doubting myself.
but the doubt has creeped back into the forefront. i'm struggling really hard not to let it overtake me this time. i know what i'm thinking is destructive and counterproductive yet it's there. it sometimes feels like it would be easier to just let go of my struggle with my insecurities and just let them take over. i stopped eating for a while and almost let myself believe that maybe it was a good thing i was loosing wieght from it. but the moment the thought came into my consciousness i realized the danger in it. except i don't really know what to do with it because it scares me to think that i'm really that fragile when i've been struggling so hard to overcome that type of thinking.
i apologize for the length of this post. it has been a while since i've really written out my thoughts. i used to write quite regularily, especailly when i was upset. i actually became insecure about it and stopped. i never told anyone about this blog for very similar reasons as well. i've never hadled criticism well, i've always taken it too personally. i also don't trust myself and would rather people not see or hear me or my thoughts because i don't think them valid. i actually shut off when asked to explain my thoughts further, so if i ever seem like i'm evading a question or suddenly get distant it's because i'd rather be hiding under a desk then open myself up at the moment.
this post gomuch longer then i meant it to and i now only have a few hours to finish my assignment and attempt to get some sleep so i will end it now and struggle with my thoughts on my own.
