Dealing...

For those of you who are checking this because you are worried about me: I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. i'm mostly just saying this for myself. i realize this. the constant reminder is good though. it's been a shaky few days. everyone has been so incredibly suportive and not overly coddling. i'm not a broken doll, i don't want to be treated like one. but you all know that so thank you.

what's hardest thing right now is not replaying the night over and over again in my head. everytime i go to sleep it haunts me. i've never felt this vulnerable before. i hate feeling vulnerable, i have a habbit of shutting up and pushing people away because of it. i don't want to do that but instinctually i'm emotionally turtling. i have a really hard time asking for and accepting help. i've never been comfortable with it. it's even harder for me now. except before the attack i was getting better. i was feeling independant, like my life was my own. that's something i've struggled to feel for a while. i was getting better at asking for help and just things i need or wanted, i was starting to let myself just enjoy being treated nicely and not feel like i had to reciprocate.

i don't want to lose that but i think i have. i spent yesterday out in the world, hanging out with an old friend, a new friend and my current friends. it was good to be able to get around by myself and not feel crippled. for a while i forgot about it all and was just enjoying the nice summer day. later i was on the bus by myself and the guy behind me made me think of the attacker. i used to be a very trusting person, i guess too much so. it's kind of hard to realize that things like that have to change. when i got off the bus i stared him down till he was out of sight. i don't know why i was so suspicous of him. it might been because he was behind me. i can't stand the sense of someone coming up from behind anymore, i was at the mall on monday and almost freaked on someone for cutting across behind me. it might also have been the fact that he was wearing a hat, he kinda smelled a bit like dirt and sweat, he was in shorts. this is all i have to go on and it haunts me. everytime a stranger looks at me i want to run and hide.

i'm not going to hide though, i'm not going to run away from this. i have too much pride to let that happen. it seems like it might just be easier to stay at home and never leave. leaving isn't really the problem for me, it's coming back. but i will get over that eventually i guess. for now i have lots of places to stay and people to drive me home and even though i need the help and appreciate it, i still fear asking for help. i'm resentful of the fact that i need to. but this is something i'm gonna have to get over if i want to heal.

i'm starting preschool camps next tuesday. i can't wait to be with the kiddies. i worry it might be too soon but i need the distraction. i need to be able to see the world innocently again, if not through my eyes then through the eyes of the children. right now the world is far too big and scary. i'd really like it to be small again.