wow-crazy-a new post from kat

ummm, nyeah, not having a computer sucks. this shall be fixed, eventually, perhaps when i'm able to figure out how to save money properly. im working enough right now to be able to afford one soon it's just impossible for me to keep important things like money organized. actually invoicing my work would probably also help, you know so i can get paid.

yeah, organization not a strong point for me. i'm working on it. one of my many resolutions for this year. it goes along well with eating better, cutting drugs out of my life and being more respectful to myself and others. i've realized that i've been in a very ego-centric place and for this reason i've hurt a lot of people i never meant to. i hate that this has happened and i know that it's because i have trouble being honest about my feelings. i'm getting to a better place now, the world is starting to make a little more sense to me( sometimes).

i've doing pretty good though. i'm working lot's and loving it(most of the time, like when i'm not exhausted). I've become somewhat reclusive this year though. going out at night is still really hard, in fact in some ways it got harder but mostly it's just that i've stoped living in denial of the dangers that exist out there for small women who walk alone at night. i'd like to be able to feel confident getting around by my self but it's still hard. the anger is finally coming out, overshadowing a lot of the self doubt that previously controlled me. i've finally come to terms with the fact that i will never be the person i was before i was attacked, trying to deny that would be foolish. i miss that person but i'm trying to find strength in what i have now and in the positive things that have come to me as a result of the attack.

I'm currently spending some time with my family in the house that is so hard for me to come back to. i feel really bad that the attack has caused me to dread going home to vist my parents who themselves have been nothing but supportive to me but the thought of walking down that street again always makes me anxious. lots of things make me anxious still, like tall people coming up to me from behind, taking the bus at night, male aggression. but anyways, i should go spend some more time with my family.

urgh

so i haven't posted in a while cause i don't have a computer. this is something i should fix but as i'm just barely making rent it will have to wait a while. not having money sucks. not having medical sucks even more. i think i'm going blind, my teeth need fillings and my headaches are getting worse and i have no money to deal with any of this. urgh!

Escaping Suburbia!

so it would appear that i may be moving back to vancouver in august. i need to call lindsay and figure out a few things but i've pretty much made up my mind that i'm moving out of my basement in burnaby, if not now then in september. but i'd really like to move into lindsay's place. things seem to be pointing me in that direction. i just got offerd two programs at mt pleasant community centre which is on 16th and ontario. lindsay's place in on 18th and columbia. how nice would it be to live only a couple of blocks away from work.

for obvious reasons i can't handle the commute anymore. i'm really excited about the prospect of living just off cambie. it's such a nice area, i've always wanted to live around there. and it means i don't have to trek back to burnaby all the time. it's been starting to get kinda ridiculous considering i spend all my time in vancouver, especialy in the neighborhood i'll hopefully be moving into. it'll be a little tight finacially the first month but i should be able to swing it.

going to japan is still something i'd like to do but i've let things slide too much for me to be able go in september. it's time to regroup. i'll try to get myself there in january and just work my butt off until then. the centre i work at has been awesome about getting me more hours so things should be pretty good in september as far as working goes. i'm actually really happy about the way things are going for me at work. i'm gonna have a crazy schedule in september but it will be varied and fun. let's just hope i don't burn out and start swearing at the kiddies. i'm starting to lose my patience for it recently but it could just be that i'm tired.

i couldn't figure out why i was feeling so exhausted all the time and then my couselor pointed out to me that my body is still trying to heal itself. going back to work so soon as been both good and bad for helping me deal. i can't wait for tomorow to be over. we're going to smash a pinata, which will be fun but also possibly dangerous and tantrum inducing. i think i might throw a tantrum one of these days. it might be cathartic.

Dealing...

For those of you who are checking this because you are worried about me: I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. i'm mostly just saying this for myself. i realize this. the constant reminder is good though. it's been a shaky few days. everyone has been so incredibly suportive and not overly coddling. i'm not a broken doll, i don't want to be treated like one. but you all know that so thank you.

what's hardest thing right now is not replaying the night over and over again in my head. everytime i go to sleep it haunts me. i've never felt this vulnerable before. i hate feeling vulnerable, i have a habbit of shutting up and pushing people away because of it. i don't want to do that but instinctually i'm emotionally turtling. i have a really hard time asking for and accepting help. i've never been comfortable with it. it's even harder for me now. except before the attack i was getting better. i was feeling independant, like my life was my own. that's something i've struggled to feel for a while. i was getting better at asking for help and just things i need or wanted, i was starting to let myself just enjoy being treated nicely and not feel like i had to reciprocate.

i don't want to lose that but i think i have. i spent yesterday out in the world, hanging out with an old friend, a new friend and my current friends. it was good to be able to get around by myself and not feel crippled. for a while i forgot about it all and was just enjoying the nice summer day. later i was on the bus by myself and the guy behind me made me think of the attacker. i used to be a very trusting person, i guess too much so. it's kind of hard to realize that things like that have to change. when i got off the bus i stared him down till he was out of sight. i don't know why i was so suspicous of him. it might been because he was behind me. i can't stand the sense of someone coming up from behind anymore, i was at the mall on monday and almost freaked on someone for cutting across behind me. it might also have been the fact that he was wearing a hat, he kinda smelled a bit like dirt and sweat, he was in shorts. this is all i have to go on and it haunts me. everytime a stranger looks at me i want to run and hide.

i'm not going to hide though, i'm not going to run away from this. i have too much pride to let that happen. it seems like it might just be easier to stay at home and never leave. leaving isn't really the problem for me, it's coming back. but i will get over that eventually i guess. for now i have lots of places to stay and people to drive me home and even though i need the help and appreciate it, i still fear asking for help. i'm resentful of the fact that i need to. but this is something i'm gonna have to get over if i want to heal.

i'm starting preschool camps next tuesday. i can't wait to be with the kiddies. i worry it might be too soon but i need the distraction. i need to be able to see the world innocently again, if not through my eyes then through the eyes of the children. right now the world is far too big and scary. i'd really like it to be small again.

actually dancing about architecture

today i ran into this dancer chick i met at a bar a couple of months go. we had come to the conclusion that we should become friends but i lost her number when i lost my phone. luckily we ran into to each other today at the commercial drive street fair. i'm happy about this because i've been wanting to get back into dancing and going to dance performances and i now have someone to go with and go see. tomorow i will be going to a show at Rime on commercial. not enitrely sure what it's about but it should be fun. if anyone wants to join me give me a call.

next month is dancing on the edge, which is vancouver's experimental dance festival. i went to a performance a few years ago and was really impressed. my new friend, catherine, will be perfoming in a series of site specific performances called city:skinned. i'm pretty excited about checking it out, there might actually be DANCING ABOUT ARCHITECTURE!