aimless

it's been a while since i've posted. never really intented this blog to have an audience though it seems people have found out i have one now so i feel obliged to do something with it again. i'm really not very savy with computers so i'm a little embarssed about how boring my blog is. but i'm not feeling very good about myself right now and instead of hiding the insecurity like i always do i thought maybe i'd just bite the bullet and lay it all out for everyone to read.

I started this entry a long while back and figured it's about time i actually deal with it. I think i wrote it in febuary. doesn't really matter anymore...

if i knew where i was going don't you think i'd be there?
somehwere along the path i seem to have lost focus
not sure where i'm going now
not sure how i feel about it either
not sure about anything anymore
especially myself

where did all that confidence slip away to
though my grasp was always tenuous at least i held it


raar! so not like anyone reads this anyways but i need somewhere to let my thoughts out. not doing so well anymore. i used to like myself a fair amount, i liked where my life seemed to be headed. things were working out really well. and even though things aren't out of control or unfixable i'm utterly lost. i feel as though part of me is slipping away and i don't have any idea why. i just don't care anymore but that makes me sad, so really i'm just sad and aimless even though there are beautiful things around me and wonderful people who care, and i'm grateful and appreciative...and i'm starting to let the thoughts that i don't deserve it creep into my head and this makes me angry. i've fought those thoughts already, i know i deserve happiness and confidence and to live my life the way i want to but somehow i can't keep a hold of that feeling and this sense of patheticness washes over me.

i want to stop hidding behind my insecurities, want to stop feeling sorry all the time like i need to apologize for being myself when i know that isn't the case.