Dancing about Architecture

wow-crazy-a new post from kat

2007-02-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

ummm, nyeah, not having a computer sucks. this shall be fixed, eventually, perhaps when i'm able to figure out how to save money properly. im working enough right now to be able to afford one soon it's just impossible for me to keep important things like money organized. actually invoicing my work would probably also help, you know so i can get paid.

yeah, organization not a strong point for me. i'm working on it. one of my many resolutions for this year. it goes along well with eating better, cutting drugs out of my life and being more respectful to myself and others. i've realized that i've been in a very ego-centric place and for this reason i've hurt a lot of people i never meant to. i hate that this has happened and i know that it's because i have trouble being honest about my feelings. i'm getting to a better place now, the world is starting to make a little more sense to me( sometimes).

i've doing pretty good though. i'm working lot's and loving it(most of the time, like when i'm not exhausted). I've become somewhat reclusive this year though. going out at night is still really hard, in fact in some ways it got harder but mostly it's just that i've stoped living in denial of the dangers that exist out there for small women who walk alone at night. i'd like to be able to feel confident getting around by my self but it's still hard. the anger is finally coming out, overshadowing a lot of the self doubt that previously controlled me. i've finally come to terms with the fact that i will never be the person i was before i was attacked, trying to deny that would be foolish. i miss that person but i'm trying to find strength in what i have now and in the positive things that have come to me as a result of the attack.

I'm currently spending some time with my family in the house that is so hard for me to come back to. i feel really bad that the attack has caused me to dread going home to vist my parents who themselves have been nothing but supportive to me but the thought of walking down that street again always makes me anxious. lots of things make me anxious still, like tall people coming up to me from behind, taking the bus at night, male aggression. but anyways, i should go spend some more time with my family.

urgh

2006-09-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

so i haven't posted in a while cause i don't have a computer. this is something i should fix but as i'm just barely making rent it will have to wait a while. not having money sucks. not having medical sucks even more. i think i'm going blind, my teeth need fillings and my headaches are getting worse and i have no money to deal with any of this. urgh!

Escaping Suburbia!

2006-07-13T19:57:00.000-07:00

so it would appear that i may be moving back to vancouver in august. i need to call lindsay and figure out a few things but i've pretty much made up my mind that i'm moving out of my basement in burnaby, if not now then in september. but i'd really like to move into lindsay's place. things seem to be pointing me in that direction. i just got offerd two programs at mt pleasant community centre which is on 16th and ontario. lindsay's place in on 18th and columbia. how nice would it be to live only a couple of blocks away from work.

for obvious reasons i can't handle the commute anymore. i'm really excited about the prospect of living just off cambie. it's such a nice area, i've always wanted to live around there. and it means i don't have to trek back to burnaby all the time. it's been starting to get kinda ridiculous considering i spend all my time in vancouver, especialy in the neighborhood i'll hopefully be moving into. it'll be a little tight finacially the first month but i should be able to swing it.

going to japan is still something i'd like to do but i've let things slide too much for me to be able go in september. it's time to regroup. i'll try to get myself there in january and just work my butt off until then. the centre i work at has been awesome about getting me more hours so things should be pretty good in september as far as working goes. i'm actually really happy about the way things are going for me at work. i'm gonna have a crazy schedule in september but it will be varied and fun. let's just hope i don't burn out and start swearing at the kiddies. i'm starting to lose my patience for it recently but it could just be that i'm tired.

i couldn't figure out why i was feeling so exhausted all the time and then my couselor pointed out to me that my body is still trying to heal itself. going back to work so soon as been both good and bad for helping me deal. i can't wait for tomorow to be over. we're going to smash a pinata, which will be fun but also possibly dangerous and tantrum inducing. i think i might throw a tantrum one of these days. it might be cathartic.

Dealing...

2006-06-28T16:16:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are checking this because you are worried about me: I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. i'm mostly just saying this for myself. i realize this. the constant reminder is good though. it's been a shaky few days. everyone has been so incredibly suportive and not overly coddling. i'm not a broken doll, i don't want to be treated like one. but you all know that so thank you.

what's hardest thing right now is not replaying the night over and over again in my head. everytime i go to sleep it haunts me. i've never felt this vulnerable before. i hate feeling vulnerable, i have a habbit of shutting up and pushing people away because of it. i don't want to do that but instinctually i'm emotionally turtling. i have a really hard time asking for and accepting help. i've never been comfortable with it. it's even harder for me now. except before the attack i was getting better. i was feeling independant, like my life was my own. that's something i've struggled to feel for a while. i was getting better at asking for help and just things i need or wanted, i was starting to let myself just enjoy being treated nicely and not feel like i had to reciprocate.

i don't want to lose that but i think i have. i spent yesterday out in the world, hanging out with an old friend, a new friend and my current friends. it was good to be able to get around by myself and not feel crippled. for a while i forgot about it all and was just enjoying the nice summer day. later i was on the bus by myself and the guy behind me made me think of the attacker. i used to be a very trusting person, i guess too much so. it's kind of hard to realize that things like that have to change. when i got off the bus i stared him down till he was out of sight. i don't know why i was so suspicous of him. it might been because he was behind me. i can't stand the sense of someone coming up from behind anymore, i was at the mall on monday and almost freaked on someone for cutting across behind me. it might also have been the fact that he was wearing a hat, he kinda smelled a bit like dirt and sweat, he was in shorts. this is all i have to go on and it haunts me. everytime a stranger looks at me i want to run and hide.

i'm not going to hide though, i'm not going to run away from this. i have too much pride to let that happen. it seems like it might just be easier to stay at home and never leave. leaving isn't really the problem for me, it's coming back. but i will get over that eventually i guess. for now i have lots of places to stay and people to drive me home and even though i need the help and appreciate it, i still fear asking for help. i'm resentful of the fact that i need to. but this is something i'm gonna have to get over if i want to heal.

i'm starting preschool camps next tuesday. i can't wait to be with the kiddies. i worry it might be too soon but i need the distraction. i need to be able to see the world innocently again, if not through my eyes then through the eyes of the children. right now the world is far too big and scary. i'd really like it to be small again.

actually dancing about architecture

2006-06-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

today i ran into this dancer chick i met at a bar a couple of months go. we had come to the conclusion that we should become friends but i lost her number when i lost my phone. luckily we ran into to each other today at the commercial drive street fair. i'm happy about this because i've been wanting to get back into dancing and going to dance performances and i now have someone to go with and go see. tomorow i will be going to a show at Rime on commercial. not enitrely sure what it's about but it should be fun. if anyone wants to join me give me a call.

next month is dancing on the edge, which is vancouver's experimental dance festival. i went to a performance a few years ago and was really impressed. my new friend, catherine, will be perfoming in a series of site specific performances called city:skinned. i'm pretty excited about checking it out, there might actually be DANCING ABOUT ARCHITECTURE!

a kiss clark gable would've admired

2006-06-17T00:24:00.000-07:00

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Gone With The Wind

"Great balls of fire. Don't bother me anymore, and don't call me sugar."

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?

mmmm...yeah! love the way men would just grab women and kiss them in the old movies.

seems we were both a little wrong

2006-06-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

a couple of weeks ago i had a disscusion with someone and they quoted William S. Burroughs as saying "writing about music is like dancing about architecture". i chose the name for my blog because of the Angelina Jolie monologue from Playing by Heart in which she says "talking about love is like dancing about architecture". I figured it may have been changed for the movie but i wanted to know who actually said this and where it came from. Turns out that no one is really sure. According to one article i found, the most likely person to have said it first is Elvis Costello but it could just one of those sayings that floated around in one form or another. but it would appear that the quote is "Writing about music..."

one of these days i will choreograph an interpretive figure skating piece about architecture...

For Mariko

2006-06-09T03:06:00.000-07:00

Wonderfully cheesy Dean Martin Video

hmmm...i always thought he was kind of annoying

2006-05-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

You Are Big Bird

Talented, smart, and friendly... you're also one of the sanest people around.

You are usually feeling: Happy. From riding a unicycle to writing poetry, you have plenty of hobbies to keep you busy.

You are famous for: Being a friend to everyone. Even the grumpiest person gets along with you.

How you life your life: Joyfully. "Super. Duper. Flooper."

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

mmm...purple

2006-05-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

i made one to watch my new hair

more work without even applying!

2006-05-09T16:17:00.000-07:00

so i got a call this morning asking me to be a leader for pre-school daycamps for two weeks in july. yeah for getting asked to work without even applying!

very happy about this. love working with kids in the summer! so i'll be doing a music and math camp for the first week and an arts and craft camp the second week. it's only a couple of hours a day but it'll be a lot of fun and hopefully i can get myself more work at the centre for september if things with JET don't work out.

so now i need to plan out math lessons for 3 to 5 year olds...

Kat, with a ke!

2006-05-02T23:56:00.000-07:00

if i were a japanese pop star, i would look like this.

this image originally has some animation but i didn't know how to copy it to my site properly as i am still challenged by anything that can't be achieved by cutting and pasting alone.
lots of fun, expect more of these this week.

late night surfing 2, not as late, twice as cute!

2006-05-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

when i moved home i got cable and forgot about the internet. i'm trying to fix my tv addiction by surfing the web...hmmm...maybe i should just go out more...

well, either way, i'm at home and bored and easily amused, so here's some more things i can't believe i only recently discovered:

Making Fiends
cute and warped, made me laugh...her other cartoons are pretty cool, i've only watched a few episodes of all of them but i'm enjoying all so far. can't believe i haven't seen these before..i feel so out of touch :(

Farm Hustle
not only is this game a cute puzzle/match up(like crack but in game form) the character's are all cute crochet creations. yeah, inspiration!

late night surfing

2006-04-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i've spent some time just idlely surfing the web.
new found wonders:

Pink
a creepy yet beautiful video, so pink!

Ming & Ping
a wonderful 80's new wave synth pop duo. twins from hong kong now based out of san fran. wow!

Knitpro
an awesome site that will convert pictures into colour charts. now i can make pretty pictures in crochet form!

Meomi
not a new find but an old fave i felt should be added to the list cause it's been updated and has lots of fun stuff on it. so cute it almost hurts!

and yes, cute people are usually automatically attracted to cute things. i've accepted this, some may say i've fully embraced it. it's all good, yeah for cute!

this charming man

2006-04-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

just read an awesome article about morrisey written by douglas coupland. must share

in love...

2006-04-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

there's this wonderful website i found a couple of years ago called Copacetic. i'd totally forgotten how cool the zine was till the other day, despite the fact that i constantly viewed their companion site Copacetique, which is the most wonderful on-line consignment store.

i feel the need to share because i've found something that really clicks with me. not only is the zine named my favorite word but the girl who started it is basically my idealized version of myself. half-japanese, crafty, super hip, cute and happy. how could i not be in love? why did i forget about this site and not read it everyday? honestly i don't know.

i could go on for a while about why i'm in love right now, but mostly it's nice to see another half-japanese girl i can relate to. as a child i struggled to find public figures that i could relate to. janice's review of the Magret Cho series "All American Girl" talks of this struggle and reminds me of the same feelings of recognition i had when this show aired. it's nice to know i wasn't alone in feeling alienated by the general public as a child.

and she sells awesome vintage clothes like this white jumpsuit i totally would buy if i had more money.

a little dejected

2006-04-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

so i guess things could be worse. i could have been outright rejected for the program i applied for.

i've been waiting since febuary to find out if i got into the Jet programe to teach english in Japan. today i found out i'm on the alternate list. like i said above, it could be worse...

i just really wanted this. it could still happen, i just won't have any idea of when i'll find out. urgh!

Grrrr.....

2006-03-31T01:20:00.000-08:00

because i feel like being grrry....

random post, it's late and i've had an odd day.

might not teach skating again after this week...kinda not ready for that really. raaarr1

also not in the mood for complete sentences...who needs them anyways..same with capitals...down with capital letters! they just slow you down.

and while i'm at it-a big f-u to grammar.

sorry, don't ask...

recent disscussions on writing and the formation of our writing group, have made me remember how much i used to express my self with words. i'd lost that. i'd like to get it back

i don't write much on this blog because i kinda don't like sharing my inner voice with people. i've been trying too hard to refine it somehow but it's just not working for me. so screw that, back to being something else? sure that's what we'll call it.

well then, i'm gonna try to sleep so that i can wake up at a reasonable hour and finish my report cards before the concert i'm going to tomorow. i'll probably be much happier after tomorow cause right now, feeling a little icky. yeah dancing! yeah peter hook! yeah new order and british synth! hopefully...

For you tomato haters

2006-03-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

Neil Gaiman's blog has an interesting post about a movie website that was unjustly suing him for linking to their site. Apparently he didn't even link to the site, his only conection was that a different site had linked to a picture of him holding a demonic tomato. Neil's rant about the absurdity of him being sued is quite amusing and definately worth reading.

The site that did have a link to this movie website however is also quite amusing. I quite enjoyed shooting the tomatoes in the shooting game they have despite the fact that i really have nothing against tomatoes. In fact i really don't understand why people don't like tomatoes so much. They're good for you and they taste good. I dated a guy who really violently hated tomatoes. His reasoning(which was not really reasoning) was that they are filthy seed bags. WOW, that explains a lot more about him then why he doesn't like them. My experience with him and his hatred for the fruit have made me wonder about the link between food tastes and other personality traits.

My ex was some kind of type A personality. No offense to other people i know who hate tomatoes but most people i've met who don't like them are pretty uptight or crazy. My ex's friend told him that his hatred for tomatoes was misogynistic because tomatoes are basically ovaries, which seems valid if you knew the guy and had heard his rants about the "demonic fruit". I have not heard a good explanation for the hatred. i can understand not liking the slimyness of the seeds or the taste even, but i've yet to hear a decent reasoning for outright hatred of a fruit. Seriously now, what have tomatoes done to you? Really....now bananas ....that's a whole other issue.

Vegas Baby!

2006-03-11T17:16:00.000-08:00

As promised I took lots of pictures. Including one of me with a drink from Quarks. My waiter's name was Lazarus. The drink is Called a Borg Sphere, it tasted sort of like apple but mostly like vodka. This place was great. We had some appy's that were decent and got to see an alien wondering around the place randomly for photo ops. I chose to ignore him. This was on my second day of the trip after I had already spent the day at the bar and beverage convention.

The convention was everything I expected it to be. Lot's of free booze, some free food samples, lots of T&A and lots of drunk morons whom I managed to avoid pretty easily. I got to pretend to be in the industry and had my badged scanned a few times. The best was the guy from Vamp, this drink brand from Transylvania. They have pink vodka, wine and an energy drink that tastes like cherry. Lot's of cool drinks were drunk by me who managed to actually survive the day without being hit on or feel sick. That doesn't mean I didn't get leered at or almost feel sick though.

I spent lost of time walking the strip with my dad. Saw most of the big hotels. Walked inside a few of them. Saw the volcanoe erupt, watched the lions at MGM, did a little bit of gambling but i was pretty uncomfortable with that so i stuck to the lower priced slot machines.

So much more to say about the trip but I'm not in the right place for it today. I'll try to say more later. My pics are on the flicker site if you want to see more.

Return to Blogging

2006-02-28T18:23:00.000-08:00

I kinda stoped using this space. I have too many other interests and to be honest I just don't use the internet as much as i used to. I also have struggling to find my voice on this thing. I have some extra time right now so i figured i should maybe update this a little. Though now that i'm writing I don't really know what to write about.

Next week I'm going away so I'll better things to say then...

9 sleeps till I'm 25

2005-12-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

Since people have been bugging me about what to buy for my birthday and christmas, I started a wish list on Amazon.

Not entirely complete but it's a start. I never usually ask for anything so i figured I'd make an effort to help people out.

Just thought I'd add a few things not available on Amazon:

Yarn (preferably alpaca or something equally soft)
a cast iron grill pan
socks
a monkey(preferably a tamarin), an alpaca or two(maybe a whole farm) or a lemur
a totoro

Otama invasion!

2005-11-22T16:48:00.000-08:00

So i was browsing this crochet forum and discovered this japanese craze of crocheting tadpoles and other round little critters and posing them in strange places and taking pictures of it. I found several non-japanese sites that post pictures of peoples creations. This one guy in finland wants to build a garden to house 2004 of them.

Has anybody else heard of these? if so why have i not heard of these before? My mom just told me she'd heard that there was this crazy tadpole craze in Japan but she didn't know they were crocheted. For some reason this is blowing my mind. It shouldn't but maybe i'm just excited cause i just got tiny crochet hooks in the mail today that would be perfect for making otama.

i think i may have to join this craze and bring more tadpoles into the world to slowly take over with their uselessness and frivolity. expect pictures to follow in the next few weeks...expect to all recieve tiny useless tadpoles for chirstmas.

Random art

2005-09-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Random art,
originally uploaded by PuttenKat.

More pictures! This pile of magazines with a peach resting on it was found in a parking lot after enjoying a hungover breakfast on sunday

GIR cell phone cozies

2005-09-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

GIR cell phone cozies,
originally uploaded by PuttenKat.

Since I mentioned them in the previous post here is a pic of my Gir cozies. I'm not really happy with the robot one. I've figured out a better way to make him. I'm still working on the toy.

Return of photos

2005-09-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

So i thought i was screwed because my brother lost the cable for my camera unitl i realized that my printer has a card reader in it and i can load my pictures through the printer. oops, i should have realized that a lot sooner. I spent today loading my pics into my flickr account and showing off my latest crochet pieces on Craftster.

So far people have been really positive about my stuff. I'm feeling really good about my work. I am really excited about selling my stuff at the comic shop. i've already made a robot Gir cell phone cozie and a little pocket with Gir's face on it. I'm thinking of setting up a store on Etsy.
It's a really neat selling community kinda like ebay but specialized in handmade items.

I should probably get started on setting up a store but i don't really have any items ready to sell because i'm working on the comic shop stuff but maybe i could just post pics of what I have made and reproduce them if anyone wants to buy it. I feel like i need a better place to send people if i'm going to be serious about selling my work. I might be able to have some of my stuff featured in an asian canadian magazine a friend of mine works on and having somewhere people can go to look at my stuff seems like a good idea.

new direction

2005-09-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

so it's been a while since i've posted. i finished my bachelor's and am now in the process of living in the "real world", which so far means i'm slowly becoming the stoner equivlant of martha stewart.

figured i should devote a little time to updating my blog since i'm not doing a whole lot of anything else. i have been very busy making more fun things out of yarn. as soon i get the cable for my camera back i'll have tons of pictures on my flickr account. currently i'm working on making a GIR stuffed toy. i've already made a phone cozie and a camera cozie of the dog suit GIR. I might be selling them soon at the comic shop, kinda exciting!

other then the crocheting, i've become obssessed with food shows and baking. my friends have been reaping the benefits of this obsession as i like giving sweets more then actually eating them.

so life after university has been pretty relaxing so far. i'm working at the ice rinks and skating a little for fun but that only started up again this week.

that's about it for an update, things are pretty mellow right now which may be a good thing, i'm just not used to it.

R2 made of yarn!

2005-06-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

R2 made of yarn!,
originally uploaded by PuttenKat.

I've currently become obsessed with crochet. i started several years ago but have recently gotten back into it. the first of recent projects was an i-pod cozie that looks like a cat. i've also made a 1-up mushroom for my boyfriends DS cozie, a frog i-pod cozie, cat ear headbands, a rabbit camera case and most recently stars wars insipred patches. I currently only have pictures of the i-pod cozies and the star wars designs but will keep putting up pictures of things as I make them. If anyone has ideas for other designs feel free to post them. i like creating new projects a lot more then re-creating ones i've already done. but if anyone is interested in me making something for them let me know.

The Root of all Suffering

2005-06-17T02:44:00.000-07:00

So this post is actually the result of procrastination. I'm trying to write a paper about a development in Buddhist thought and my mind won't focus on the material. Kinda ironic that my lack of concentration is what's hindering me from writing on a doctrine that centers on mindfulness. I'm also too focused on myself and worldly attachments. According to the Buddha's teachings the root of all suffering is the illusion of desire and of self. my lack of focus, clarity, (right mind in a sense) actually does stem from this type of clouding.

i recently went through the experience of making the descision of having my cat put down. this would be the third cat i've lost in two years. each experience reinforced for a sense of absolute helplessness because in each case there wasn't anything i could have done to prevent their deaths. but being with mickey on friday, deciding that it would better for him to die then to go on suffering, i found myself faced with a reality about death that i'd never fully understood and even now still don't. i watched a cat i knew to have immense strength and will, lie helplessly in agony. and i knew i wanted to end his suffering but i didn't want to give up on him because i had so much faith in his character. when the vet injected him with the solution he cried out. i'll never forget the doubt that flooded me in that moment. what if we had made the wrong decision, what if he was trying to tell us he didn't want to die?

lately these thoughts have crippled me. i've barely been able to eat, the will to get up in the morning is sometimes impossible. for a while i didn't want to be at home because of the void left without mickey around was too much to handle. everyone keeps saying "at least you have your cat gabby", but even she's been too much of a reminder that mickey's gone and then the thought of losing her reminds me of how utterly alone we all really are. or maybe it's just that i fear being alone. i've been accused of that before, i know i get sad quite easily when i'm alone, that i'll fill my day with meaningless company just to avoid being alone.

i've struggled with this for a while. recently i've gotten much more comfortable with being alone. i think part of my discomfort with being alone is that i don't have very much confidence in myself. when other people are around i at least feel valued even if only superficially. when i'm alone i fear that it's because nobody wants to be around me. for the first time in a very long time i've come to value the time i have to myself and have realized that in a way i've always enjoyed quiet contemplation. the problem was that insecurities would always creep in and i'd be left doubting myself.

but the doubt has creeped back into the forefront. i'm struggling really hard not to let it overtake me this time. i know what i'm thinking is destructive and counterproductive yet it's there. it sometimes feels like it would be easier to just let go of my struggle with my insecurities and just let them take over. i stopped eating for a while and almost let myself believe that maybe it was a good thing i was loosing wieght from it. but the moment the thought came into my consciousness i realized the danger in it. except i don't really know what to do with it because it scares me to think that i'm really that fragile when i've been struggling so hard to overcome that type of thinking.

i apologize for the length of this post. it has been a while since i've really written out my thoughts. i used to write quite regularily, especailly when i was upset. i actually became insecure about it and stopped. i never told anyone about this blog for very similar reasons as well. i've never hadled criticism well, i've always taken it too personally. i also don't trust myself and would rather people not see or hear me or my thoughts because i don't think them valid. i actually shut off when asked to explain my thoughts further, so if i ever seem like i'm evading a question or suddenly get distant it's because i'd rather be hiding under a desk then open myself up at the moment.

this post gomuch longer then i meant it to and i now only have a few hours to finish my assignment and attempt to get some sleep so i will end it now and struggle with my thoughts on my own.

aimless

2005-02-23T02:09:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since i've posted. never really intented this blog to have an audience though it seems people have found out i have one now so i feel obliged to do something with it again. i'm really not very savy with computers so i'm a little embarssed about how boring my blog is. but i'm not feeling very good about myself right now and instead of hiding the insecurity like i always do i thought maybe i'd just bite the bullet and lay it all out for everyone to read.

I started this entry a long while back and figured it's about time i actually deal with it. I think i wrote it in febuary. doesn't really matter anymore...

if i knew where i was going don't you think i'd be there?
somehwere along the path i seem to have lost focus
not sure where i'm going now
not sure how i feel about it either
not sure about anything anymore
especially myself

where did all that confidence slip away to
though my grasp was always tenuous at least i held it

raar! so not like anyone reads this anyways but i need somewhere to let my thoughts out. not doing so well anymore. i used to like myself a fair amount, i liked where my life seemed to be headed. things were working out really well. and even though things aren't out of control or unfixable i'm utterly lost. i feel as though part of me is slipping away and i don't have any idea why. i just don't care anymore but that makes me sad, so really i'm just sad and aimless even though there are beautiful things around me and wonderful people who care, and i'm grateful and appreciative...and i'm starting to let the thoughts that i don't deserve it creep into my head and this makes me angry. i've fought those thoughts already, i know i deserve happiness and confidence and to live my life the way i want to but somehow i can't keep a hold of that feeling and this sense of patheticness washes over me.

i want to stop hidding behind my insecurities, want to stop feeling sorry all the time like i need to apologize for being myself when i know that isn't the case.

coffee break

2005-02-12T02:24:00.000-08:00

like the comfort felt
when warm coffee
slides
down your throat and warms
your empty stomach
fills your lungs
with it's familiar aroma
and leaves it's flavour
embeded in your taste buds
your pressence always leaves my senses sastisfied and comforted
the taste of your skin
the smell of your odour or the coffee on your breath
the sensation of your hands exploring my body and your breath on my neck
resonate, my every sense awakened

*inspired by a mug imprint coffee stain on my notebook while writing on the bus at 2am

Bus Daze

2005-02-11T18:42:00.000-08:00

staring out the window my mind wanders
images of lust and skin
and sweat and cum
my sleep deprived body
aching to be touched and fucked
so that when my head
hits the pillow
all i'll feel is pleasure and release
and
sweet dreams

Funny, I don't have cable

2005-01-10T15:34:00.000-08:00

In the year 2005 I resolve to:
Watch more TV.

Get your resolution here

Apparently I'm a feminist rock icon

2005-01-02T23:09:00.000-08:00

Insert a dance beat here...you're Le Tigre Kathleen
Hanna
Who knows why you wear that safety patrol uniform,
but we love it. Your music is a bit more
commercial, but in reality it isn't, it just
sounds that way. Finding new fans and fucking
everybody up...you are continuing your progress
to change the world.

Which Kathleen Hanna Are You?
brought to you by quizila

These Loving Hands

2004-12-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

I was on the bus the other day and this woman walked on and was standing next to me. She seemed pretty fragile and a little old and I was struck by the way the years had marked her hands. I gave her my seat and started to wonder why nobody else seems to notice the unsteadiness of the elderly. Her hands occupied my mind for quite a while. I've always been struck by wrinkled hands. I guess it comes from observing my grandparents quietly when I was child. When I was about ten years old my Nana was constantly in the hospital. I was never really allowed to visit her because my parents worried it would upset me. I was finally allowed to visit this one time just after she'd had probably her 7th heart attack in two years. The thing that struck me most that day was her hands. They were so fragile looking but at the same time so tough. All of the years of hard life, the mark of suffering of growing up in the poor part of London during the second world war, of smoking since she was a child, of constantly being ill. It was all there in her hands, in the way the lines wrinkled, the way the veins stood out, in the way her skin pulled over the bones and the way it seemed to be the only thing that was keeping her together. Looking at the woman on the buses hands made me think of all the hands I've stopped to contemplate. Of my grandfathers, of my great uncle Gordon whose hands are etched into my memory as the most caring, loving hands that I've ever held, of the men I've given my heart and body to, of the many people who've stayed long enough in my life to have made an impact. I wonder if in 50 years the stories that make up their life will be seen in their hands. I can't help but wonder where those stories will end up and if anyone else will be able to read my hands to see everything that's passed.

Begining

2004-12-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

So I've broken down and reached the point of procrastination where creating my own blog seemed like a better thing to do then write a paper about Classical Greek law. Not sure what's going to happen with this blog but i guess we'll just have to wait and see.